• Don't bob your head back  and forth.  

Stay Still!! Always be  cognizant that someone is sitting behind you.  Whenever you move your head to the left, the person behind you has to move to the right.  Then you move your head to the right and the person behind you has to move to the left!  Left.  Right.  Left.  Right.  It's so distracting and annoying!  You can move occasionally, but not every 10 seconds!

• Don't talk! 

You think this would be common sense, but you'd be surprised how often I've had to listen to conversations and comments from people who must think they're home.  There can't be any other explanation.  Show your intelligence by using your memory and save the comments for the intermission or after the show.

• Unwrap your candy before the show begins.  Put in tissue if you have to.

Yes- I don't want to hear you cough, but do us all a favor and unwrap your candy before the show begins.

• TURN OFF YOUR CELL-PHONE!  YES!  YOU!  TURN IT OFF!!  I DON'T CARE THAT YOUR GRANDSON NEEDS TO HEAR YOU SAY GOODNIGHT OR YOU'RE WAITING FOR YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND TO CALL YOU BACK.  TURN OFF YOUR CELL-PHONE!

Around two years ago I was at one of the most amazing theatre experiences I had ever seen - "Miss Ever's Boys" - for the second time that season, when during the most poignant, climatic scene of the play, some JERK in the first row has his cell-phone go off!  And rather than quickly tuning it off in embarrassment, he took the fucking call and left the theatre!  I would have loved to have superpowers and be able to grab him, smash his cell-phone, and then have him get up on stage and apologize to the audience and to the actors for being such an ass.  

• Don't leave the instant the show ends.  IT'S VERY RUDE!

There are always a few people who get up the second the show ends and don't stay long enough to give thanks to the actors and the musicians.  If you want to avoid the crowds. just stay seated and wait until everyone else has left the show.  Hey!  You never know!  You might actually have a chance to applaud!  Imagine  that!

• If you're greater than 6' tall, get an isle seat off to the side.  I'm sorry but I didn't pay $100 to see you back.

• Take off your hat.  Enough said. 

• Most kids under 10 don't enjoy the theatre.  

  I know, your little Jimmie loved The Lion King.  Well, if that's what you consider theatre, then go ahead! Not that I'm knocking The Lion King - I enjoyed it immensely and thought it was an amazing visual theatre experience.  But let's face it - sans the masks and the set, it's an overplayed theme.  

  Real theatre, though, thought provoking, haunting, theater - the kind that makes you stand and cheer - Brian Stokes Mitchell bringing down the house with "Impossible Dream" theatre - should be seen by children, but most kids don't have the patience to sit for 1 1/2 to 3 hours in a small, uncomfortable seat.  Shoot!  There have been many times when I've been bored to tears - fallen asleep bored -  and I could only imagine what torture something like that would be for most kids.  

  But hey!  Your kid may be different.  Who knows?  Just don't have them sit in front of me and distract me with their twitching and questions, or behind me kicking my seat.  Thank you. 

• If you must smoke during the intermission, try to keep the smell off you clothes.  As most non-smokers can attest, the order of smoking lingers.  Think of it this way, would you want me to come back to my seat dowsed in cologne? That would make it hard to concentrate on the show, eh? 

There are also many secrets to where the best seats in the house usually are (I'm not going to tell you since I want to make certain they're available for me!), what time of the year is it best to get autographs, how to get discounted seats, etc..

What I will say is this - Off Broadway shows are amazing and oftentimes dozens of times more memorable than any Broadway show.

William's theatre dream - Stadium Seating in an old Broadway theatre! Wow!